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I didn’t do it. I have to start by saying that. I did not do any of it. The evidence is out there to prove it, but I was set up from the very first day I came into this town. They saw me coming and decided I would be the perfect person to frame for a whole string of murders. I was set up! I never parked that car in that lot, and the blood is not mine. You will never find anything to link me to any of those people. My DNA was planted on those keys.
I lead a good life, an honest life. I may be a drifter and out of work, but I don’t harm anyone. I may have some anger issues, but never to the point of hurting anyone. I may have an IQ of 12. I may not be the prettiest thing to look at, unshaven, not always smelling like roses. I have no "charisma." I'm not "hygienic." I don't "wear clothes that fit me." I am thirty-five years old; I am thrice divorced; and I live in a van down by the river!
No one would accuse me of those crimes if they knew me better, that’s for sure. I don’t proclaim to be perfect, but I wouldn’t have done those things. What I need is a good alibi, or a good spoon. I need a seven-inch silver antique spoon with something engraved upon it so that no one will doubt my innocence – a perfect saying that would prove how good a person I am.
I love cereal. Everyone loves cereal. Maybe I can come up with something that involves cereal to engrave on the spoon. I can show it off to anyone who doesn’t believe me. I can take it to court with me. Something I just thought of: When I eat cereal, I devour it. I mean I just trash the whole bowl in record speed. One would even say that I murder that cereal. What about cereal-murderer? I know. I will get a spoon that says 'Cereal Killer'. That will be perfect and will prove to everyone that I am kind and peaceful except when it comes to cereal. No one will suspect anything.
BREAKING NEWS: Suspect in serial murder case is finally arrested as evidence is found that links him to the murders. DNA found on a spoon in his home matches DNA found on the bodies found over the last 6 months. The suspect has eluded police in his claims to innocence, a serious lack of evidence against him, and questionable police activities. Now, there is no doubt that the serial killer involved in so many tragic crimes is none other than the notorious Cereal Killer. What tipped investigators off was an engraving on a spoon found, and later tested, in the suspect’s home. In a strange bit of irony, the suspect had the spoon engraved with ‘Cereal Killer’ – a clear giveaway to his involvement in the crimes.