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10 Pound Toblerone

$152.54 on Amazon

You like chocolate. You love nougat. You don’t know exactly what nougat is, but you know that you love to put that stuff in your mouth. This is the largest Toblerone bar ever made - weighing in at ten pounds and three feet long. It could sustain life if used in a long distance spaceflight to a distant planet. It could possibly sustain life for some time if you were stranded on a desert island with no means of survival except for a ten pound chocolate bar.

The ancient Mayans called it Xocolatl. The Aztecs carried on the production of chocolate until it was introduced to Europeans centuries later. The drink that they made from the Xocolatl was used in spiritual ceremonies, but the Europeans needed honey and sugar added to it. Thus began the downfall of mankind. Philosophers studied the effects of chocolate on humans and determined that it was a poison greater than that which is contained in the black widow spider. The poison slowly destroys all pain and suffering and eventually lures the user into a life of pleasure and peace. It is a terrible addiction.

When the large package arrived, I had forgotten what I ordered. Expecting a poster from The Truman Show movie, I quickly opened the package and remembered my late-night binge purchase of the ten pound Toblerone. It sparkled with lustful magnetism. I realized that this was no small situation that I had created. The eating of this candy bar needed to be celebrated as a feat of undeniable courage and intestinal fortitude. I placed the relic on the altar and reached for my shoes. There were certain provisions that needed to be made even before the thought of consumption.

With a trip to the new age bookshop behind me, and crystals purchased, I directed my noble steed to the haberdashery to purchase the proper attire. After selecting the finest chocolate-themed suit, I walked into the millinery for the perfect head accessary. Looking through the berets, fedoras, and kufis, I was drawn to the kepi (a traditional French military hat). With provisions acceptable for the occasion, I returned home to begin the preparations.

Bjork was on the radio when I returned - reminding me that it must be the perfect temperature in my apartment. I had it set to seventy-five degrees on a normal day, and I could tell that this would be too warm and may melt the luscious chocolate. I set the thermostat at fifty-five degrees and dressed in the clothes and hat that I had purchased. With incense burning, I took my place at the altar that was holding the Toblerone.

I started peeling the paper back from the Toblerone bar and saw the familiar jagged shape, reminding me of high mountain peaks and stalactites deep in the earth all at once. The smell was intoxicating. The first piece broke with ease but I had to use both hands to hold it. I attacked the candy with a voracity that I could never duplicate. It was yummy.